Self-doubt. The story of my life. I come from a childhood jam-packed with feeling I don’t measure up and a legalistic church system where I was not valued as a special person created by God with gifts to offer others.
Growing into my teens, I was super-insecure and felt like no one understood me. As a young adult, depressed and vulnerable and not knowing where else to turn, I went to a minister for counsel. I fell headlong into a trap where I was stripped of my very being and self-worth through spiritual, emotional, and sexual abuse.
Though God has graciously healed me in many ways, those ugly, old feelings of worthlessness can still cling like a leech, sucking out the motivation, the creativity, and the gift of writing God gives me.
Years roll on as I bottle up my ideas inside of me. God has given me so many experiences to share – lessons I learned that would make a difference in other people’s lives. And yet I hesitate. Why? What am I really afraid of?
I’m not sure, but I do know I need to step out of my comfort zone and expand my writing horizons. I am planning to go to my first writer’s conference this week. While I’m so excited to learn and discover, I’m so nervous – the pacing in a cage type of nervous. Maybe it’s because I always feel judged in crowds of people. I don’t know. I just know something is triggering this fear inside of me.
Last night I cried, “O God, I feel so afraid.” Then I read Isaiah 54, one of my favorite chapters, and verse 4 especially comforted me: “Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.”
I need confidence. God confidence. Trusting Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. I need to bask in the steadfast sunshine of Jesus’ love and claim the everlasting promises He has given and will faithfully fulfill even for me.
Yesterday my little grand-daughter showed me what she made in Sunday school. Held with yarn around her neck, a paper badge said, “I will be brave.” Yes, I will be brave. I will take courage in Christ Jesus, because in Him I can do all things. In Him I can conquer a troop, leap over a wall, and level a mountain.
Yes, I will pluck up courage and face the unknown, believing God will be with me. I will tune out what past pain says of my worth, and I will tune into what Jesus says. In Him I am good enough. In Him I am special and precious!