My airways flamed up and tightened, and my energy drained away. I was suffocating, so I left to use my nebulizer. It helped some, but I still felt like an elephant sat on my chest. I was exhausted. Bone tired. I couldn’t even think anymore. When I tried to, I cried.
Anytime I get into contact with smoke, even candle smoke, my airways rebel. My sarcoidosis flares up and I get very ill and have to take antibiotic and greater doses of Prednisone.
I had intended to stay for a wedding’s dance, but I had to leave. I felt guilty, but I couldn’t hold myself strong anymore. My husband told me, “I wish you wouldn’t always feel guilty about everything.” But I was, and I often do. I feel like I let people down, like I disappoint them, like I don’t measure up.
I’m not asking for pity, but I empathize with anyone who has a chronic illness, especially those invisible illnesses when people may say, “But you look good.” When your illness doesn’t always show, some people think it must not be so bad, and they don’t offer support like they do with more visible illnesses.
I’m trying to be more honest with how I really feel, but I still easily hide behind a smile. I’m trying to feel less guilty for saying “No,” but it’s not easy. Not everyone understands, and some even think I’m faking it. Some think I should suck it up, that I can do more than I think I can. So I try to convince myself that I’m fine. Then I don’t listen to the warning signals in my body, because I have those voices in my head. And I pay for it again and again.
It tears my heart out to disappoint people, especially loved ones, if I can’t always make it to activities. Sometimes I even reason with myself that if Christ’s grace is sufficient for me, I should be able to do all these things in spite of chronic fatigue and illness. Or I beat myself up – If I had more faith, maybe this affliction would leave me. I even feel guilty to ask for prayers, because maybe then I’m complaining or someone might think I’m feeling sorry for myself. After all, there are people who have it worse than I do.
I don’t know why God allows this thorn in my flesh, but He does teach me deeper lessons through it. When I get so sick, I can’t think, and Satan takes advantage of me. Negative voices flood in and feel like they’re going to drown me. I have no strength to fight them or to focus on God’s promises. But in my weakness, God is strong. My fingers slip as I try to cling to the cross, but an Invisible Hand hangs on to me.
As the clouds of fatigue clear up in my brain, I wonder what we can focus on when troubles overwhelm us:
The mighty deeds of the Lord,
His miracles,
What Jesus has sacrificed for us,
Because only in this,
We gain the victory.
But I Will Remember
My heart is overwhelmed
But I will remember
Jesus’ grace is sufficient for every circumstance.
I am bone tired
But I will remember
Jesus suffered weariness to give me rest.
It’s hard to breathe
But I will remember
Jesus gave up His last breath for my salvation.
The journey gets dark
But I will remember
Jesus suffered the darkest of nights for me.
Words, actions, and silence hurt me
But I will remember
Jesus suffered unspeakable pain for me.
Insecurity discourages me
But I will remember
Jesus thought me valuable enough to die for.
Legalism swings its swords
But I will remember
Jesus died to give me life, not death.
Memory triggers plunge me into past abuse
But I will remember
Jesus died to heal my body, mind, and soul.
Shame beats me down
But I will remember
Jesus’ sacrifice has freed me from all condemnation.
Panic freezes my faith
But I will remember
Jesus has conquered fear.
Bitterness sours joy
But I will remember
Jesus offers forgiveness.
Depression sinks me into despair
But I will remember
In Jesus’ victory I can dance.
My sins testify against me
But I will remember
His forgiveness annuls sacrifice for sin.
I sometimes doubt His promises
But I will remember
He is a 100% Promise-Keeper!
Joining Faith Barista’s writing prompt:
Remembrance
Freed to Fly 
Oh, Trudy. I get it. The frustration of being in pain and not being able to “do.” The guilt of disappointing the ones I love and the exasperation and even anger I feel towards those who want to judge because they don’t understand and don’t believe the pain is that bad. The silence of God when I ask, “how long?”….. He loves you dear one, He is FOR US, even when we can’t see. I pray that you will feel so surrounded by His peace and His love for you in every moment where you can not do as you “should” or as you would want. And I pray that He will bring you HOPE for healing in this life, not just in the next. This verse has held me through some very dark times lately: “May she who walks in the dark and has no light trust in the name of The Lord and rely on her God.” When we can’t see Him, hear Him or feel Him, may He grant us the strength to just hold on through the dark. Bless you, friend. I’m so thankful for your honesty and your words here. They often touch me even when I can’t find a way to let you know! And I love the new background. There is so much hope represented in it!
LikeLike
Your love, understanding, encouragement, and prayers overwhelm me and bring me to tears, Stones Cry. The verse you share really touches my heart – “May she who walks in the dark and has no light trust in the name of The Lord and rely on her God.” Praying our God will keep confirming to your heart as well that He is FOR US even in the dark. Thanks so much for stopping by.
LikeLike
Trudy, I’m seeing now what lies under your beautiful writing that reaches my heart. I too know what it feels like to disappoint those around me and have shame and guilt constantly poured over by ‘loved ones’, and not to mention Satan himself who loves to kick when you are down. But, yes, like David in the Psalms, yet, I remember, He is for me, He will never leave me. May you feel His canopy of love hugging you tight as you walk this Via Dolorosa.
Blessings to you, Trudy.
LikeLike
Thank you so much for your love and understanding, Sita. And for your kind encouragement. I feared this post was too self-centered or asking for pity and I was about to delete it except for the “But I Will Remember” part, but God is giving me confirmation today that He wants me to bare my heart, because there are so many who feel alone and misunderstood. Yes, we need to be “real,” so others in pain won’t feel so alone.
“His canopy of love hugging you tight…” Such a beautiful thought, Sita. Praying God will do the same for you!
LikeLike
I am so very glad you did not delete this post. I had been trying to explain this to my husband and to myself I guess. You put into beautiful words what I cannot say but feel deeply. Chronic pain and disability are my daily companions. On my worst days I hold out my hand and ask God to hold me up until I can manage on my own again. His promises become paths for my feet and warm hugs to sustain me. I too feel misunderstood a lot of the time, but sites like this help me realize how NOT alone I really am, both in God with me and in fellow travelers on this journey none of us signed up for. What a wonderful blessing you are. Joy and Peace going forward.
LikeLike
Oh my, Susan. When I read this, my heart burst into weeping. Weeping for you being in pain and weeping that God can actually use me. God is teaching me so much as I travel into this journey of being “real.” He gives me so much encouragement from you and others, both in comments and blog posts, as I realize, as you say, that I’m NOT alone. I love how you say God’s promises are “warm hugs.” Thank you so much for your loving encouragement, Susan. Let’s keep reminding each other to keep holding out our hand and asking God to hold us up. Wishing you strength in a journey of chronic pain and disability.
LikeLike
Trudy, I hope you have access to this FB note from Kay Warren here. It mirrors your thoughts: https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=10152032456227569&id=105128507568
and I am so glad you did this post. We need to hear your real lament, just like David in the Psalms. Others need to know someone identifies. Then just like David, you point us back to your Hope.
LikeLike
Wow. I can really identify with Kay’s struggles. I feel so bad for them. Thank you for sharing this and for encouraging me to be “real.” And for reminding me how David did usually start out with a lament but ends it with praise, like he is telling his soul to remember his only hope. I appreciate your support so much, Sita.
I don’t know why this comment didn’t go through yesterday. I just found it in my queue, so I’m sorry I didn’t approve it earlier.
LikeLike
It is so hard to remember His miracles when we are going through pain! Thanks for the reminder of what I need to focus on.
LikeLike
Yes, it is hard, isn’t it? Often when I write, I’m trying to convince myself. Praying that God will help each of us to focus on the miracle of Jesus’ sacrifice for us! Thank you, Debbie, for stopping by. I wish you peace and strength in this journey!
LikeLike
praying deep strength into your heart
courage to say no when you need to say no
without condemnation or shame
rest in His arms and immeasurable love
you are loved
LikeLike
What a beautiful prayer, Karin! Amen. I really need it. Condemnation and shame are huge stumbling blocks for me, but I will try to remember they don’t stand a chance against “His arms and immeasurable love.” Thank you so much for this comfort!
LikeLike
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I’m with you in the “invisible illness” battle. I can appreciate what you say about disappointing others and not knowing why God allows this to continue. I’m praying for you!
LikeLike
You’re welcome, Melissa. I’m so sorry you also struggle with invisible illness. I read at your blog that one of the low points in you and your husband’s lives was breast cancer. Reading another post, I saw you had it nearly three years ago. I hope and pray they got it all and you are free from it. Praying that Jesus will hold you in His tender care and give you daily strength!
LikeLike
Oh Trudy, what beautiful words! I love But I Will Remember. what an affirmation of faith and of His promises for us! 🙂
LikeLike
Thank you, Krista. Yes, such beautiful promises He gives us. 🙂 I was just thinking… Jesus stamped His AMEN on the promises. “For as many as are the promises of God, they all find their Yes [answer] in Him [Christ]. For this reason we also utter the Amen (so be it) to God through Him [in His Person and by His agency] to the glory of God.” (2 Corinthians 1:20 AMP)
LikeLike
recognizable to me. Thank you that you wrote this.
http://kostbaar.blogspot.nl/
LikeLike
You’re welcome, Jedidja. I’m so glad you can identify with it. You are not alone.
Since your blog is in Dutch (I think), I can’t read it, but I love the pics. I found some with English. I love the one about how God sometimes lets us hit rock bottom so we will discover He is the Rock at the bottom. This phrase is also so comforting to me:
“Believe God’s love and power more
than you believe your own feelings and experiences.
Your rock is Christ,
and it is not the rock that ebbs and flows
but the sea.”
Thank you for stopping!
LikeLike
[…] child, stay in this place of remembering what I have already done for you. I gave My life for yours. I suffered an excruciating death so […]
LikeLike
[…] risk in spite of my fear – go to church. We hadn’t been going for a while again, because my sensitive airways reject cold air. But it was going to be warmer, so on Saturday night I thought I could try it […]
LikeLike
[…] In March I had a bad flare-up of sarcoidosis, and ever since then I’m having a tough time getting on top of infections. Right now I’m battling another one. I’m getting stronger again each day and am so grateful every day hasn’t been like Sunday when nausea settled in and I felt like I was being smothered by a heavy blanket. I lay in bed, and I cried out to God… […]
LikeLike
I so identify with your circumstances, Trudy. Just before I read this post I was thinking how tired I felt and how the rainy day had made it difficult for me to breathe. I was wishing I could change our plans to have dinner with friends. I know it can be so frustrating. This morning started out well and I was very grateful. Things can change so quickly. I don’t want to isolate myself, but I can see how easily it could happen when often staying home is my best option. I cling to my hope of tomorrow’s promise, I hold faith in my heart, and keep afloat in the love of my God and my family.
Take care. Someone is always sharing your journey.
Dee
LikeLike
Hi Dee! Thank you so much for all your support and understanding. I know how you feel. We don’t want to disappoint someone or disrupt their plans, so we keep silent and just push ourselves beyond our limits. I do so much better if I stay within my slower routine at home. We really get into a quandary sometimes, don’t we? Not everyone understands how quickly things can change. “Keep afloat in the love of my God and my family.” Love that! What would we do without that hope in in His promises? and our families come first, right? I’m trying to let my hubby and kids and grandkids have first dibs on my limited energy and next my siblings and friends who understand me. But it’s still not always easy to speak up, and I suffer the consequences. Wishing you God’s strength for each day, Dee! Hugs! ❤️
LikeLike