When I was in Kindergarten, I walked to school. At the street crossing, a traffic cop directed traffic with hand signals and a whistle. One day I clutched a brand new box of crayons. At the signal I began to walk. Halfway across the road, the bottom popped out of my crayon box. I scrambled to retrieve my precious crayons, but the cop said, “No! Keep going!” I was hurried to the other side, and I sobbed as the passing cars ground my crayons into blotches of color on the pavement.
For some reason, this incident touched a deep chord in me. I remember feeling so insignificant. Wasn’t I worth it? Couldn’t the cop have helped me pick them up really fast? Why didn’t anyone care about my crayons, something that was so important to me?
Insignificant. Not worth loving. Not worth caring about. Often the feeling I felt in my childhood. Next week I’ll be 60 already, and that feeling still ravages my heart at times.
The truth is I’m sometimes my worst enemy. I too often treat myself as that cop and those cars treated my crayons. I crush myself with self-condemnation when I believe and internalize all the lies that taunt me. When I let them flatten me. When I let them define me. When I let compliments run off me like water off the back of a duck.
It takes so much energy though to keep addressing feelings and persevere in reminding myself of the truth. I can read the verses that show me who I really am in Christ Jesus over and over, but sometimes they refuse to slide from my head into my heart. I love to encourage others with these truths, but it’s hard for me to believe them for myself.
In Jesus’ time on earth, children were not valued either. But Jesus showed everyone differently by inviting children to come to Him. He took time to listen to children’s concerns and joys. He loved them so much and showed it in His kindness towards them, making them feel special and significant. His intentions towards them were always pure and honorable, wanting to help them instead of harm them.
Inside me there is still a child that feels abandoned and rejected. Unlovable and worthless. There is still a child crying to be validated and valued. To be loved and accepted just as I am. To be comforted, not hurt.
I get so confused sometimes. So frustrated and depressed. Why do those feelings still sometimes have such a hold on me? I want them wiped out forever, but they stick like gorilla glue.
I think I’m still walling up my heart. I’m still fearing to truly let Jesus in. Oh, sometimes I open the door a crack and let His love amaze me and comfort me. But so easily I slam the door shut again. It makes me cry, and my heart aches with longing for Him. So why do I keep doing it? I can’t live without Him, but I’m still so often afraid. Oh, how patient He is with me. He never gives up on me. He just keeps knocking. He just keeps yearning for me to open my heart wide so He can apply His liniment of love to heal those broken places. To lift that little girl in me and hold her to Himself. To whisper how precious and lovable she is to Him.
Do you feel unloved, unlovable, and insignificant? Jesus invites our inner child and our adult selves to pour out all our hurts to Him. He already knows them, but He still wants us to allow Him to touch those places we are so scared to allow anyone access to. He waits and longs for us to open our walled hearts and trust He wants to heal us, not harm us. To excavate those feelings of insignificance and lay them open to His healing love. To let His love define who we really are.
When His love defines us, rejection turns to acceptance. Our nothingness turns to priceless value. Our brokenness turns to beauty.
“He heals the brokenhearted
And binds up their wounds
[healing their pain and comforting their sorrow].”
Psalm 147:3 AMP
“Therefore the Lord waits [expectantly]
and longs to be gracious to you,
And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you.
For the Lord is a God of justice;
Blessed (happy, fortunate) are all those
who long for Him [since He will never fail them].”
Isaiah 30:18 AMP
“And provide for those who grieve in Zion–
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD for the display of His splendor.”
Isaiah 61:3
“Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)”
by Hillsong United
Linking up with:
Holley – Coffee For Your Heart
Jennifer – Tell His Story
Kelly – Cheerleaders of Faith
Barbie – Weekend Whispers
Freed to Fly 
Trudy … this touches somewhere deep for us all … we all seem to have some kind of crayon story. We are so needy and broken, wounded in hidden places. And the more we find our significance in who we are in our Savior, the less likely we’ll look for our esteem from others who will never be able to satisfy.
Your words matter. This post is priceless. Blessings, friend …
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Thank you for your kind words, Linda. I’m glad you found meaning here. So true. So many are wounded in hidden places. May we all find our significance in our Savior and not in people or things that will never satisfy us! Blessings and hugs to you!
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It is an on-going challenge to let Jesus in to those broken places, but he knows how difficult it is. I love that he is so gentle and patient with us, and that he sees each one of us as precious and significant. I relate to your comment that it is often easier to encourage one another with the truth than to really let it sink into our own hearts. This is why we have to keep encouraging each other. Praying that you will see even a tiny glimpse of how Jesus sees you today and know something of his amazing love and that you are completely accepted by him.
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Thank you for your prayers, Carly. Yes, it is an ongoing challenge, isn’t it? I, too, love how gentle and patient Jesus is with us. And how to Him we are precious and significant even when we don’t “feel” it. May He wrap you also in His amazing love and acceptance! Hugs!
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Yes, Trudy, I know what you mean. May God break that dam that prevents you from feeling and knowing with ultimate satisfaction His deep love for you. You are a priceless treasure.
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Thank you, Sita, for your kind words and prayers. I hope you are still feeling joy in the breakthrough God has brought you to. May He give you ever deeper healing and joy! Hugs!
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Hi Trudy! I remember how beautiful, pristine and lovely a new box of crayons were when I was in kindergarten. I took a real sense of pride to have it. I can only imagine how sad you were at the side of the road, watching them be smashed by cars going by…
I know you’ve had experiences when you felt you were squished by heavy things that rolled over. I can’t imagine how heavy they lay on your heart sometimes. I can only pray that with every day that passes, God soothes and heals just a small part of your heart. Over time, there will be total healing. If you let Him in, He will heal. I know you know that, it’s just trusting it. I pray that you will come to that point more and more each year.
Thank you for sharing your confusion. You should know we all carry that in our hearts to some degree. I don’t think there’s anyone who couldn’t relate to your struggles.
Blessings to you my friend,
Ceil
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Thank you for your compassion and prayers, Ceil. There is hope in that God will soothe and heal a small part at a time and one day there will be total healing. Thank you. We all have struggles, whether hidden or noticeable, and I pray God will bring us through them all. God has not promised there will be no troubles, but He has promised He will bring us through them. May He lead us ever deeper into the wonders of His love! Hugs!
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Trudy,
Oh, my heart ached with you as I can so relate to your feelings although in a different context. And it is such a long process. I wrote you a long reply to your comment at my blog. I pray God would heal the wounded little girl within you and give you hope for how He has healed and will continue to heal you. Your perseverance encourages many, my friend. Praying God gives us both the hope and grace to choose joy, to choose to trust Him even when it is hard…and it is hard…((hugs)).
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Thank you for your empathy, encouragement, and prayers, Dolly. As I read your comment, it came to my thoughts that I need to accept it more that the healing process takes time and be grateful for how far God has already taken me compared to years ago (not to feel defeated for how much further I want to go). Thank you for your comment at your site. Yes, praying with you that God gives us both the hope and grace to trust Him more and to choose joy! Hugs!
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Oh, the crayon story breaks my heart. I can just see that in my mind’s eye and feel the sadness. 😦 Those kind of things do stick with us. Praying that God continues to rewrite the stories in your heart to include feelings of value and love that you are so worthy of! Blessings to you, Trudy.
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Thank you for your kindness and prayers, Lisa. I love the thought you give about God rewriting our stories to include feelings of value and love. There is such hope in that. Thank you. Yes! He can rewrite them! May God supply all your needs in every way! Hugs!
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Such an honest and vulnerable post, Trudy. I think we all go through those seasons when lifting our head is harder than others. I loved the verses you included and also thought of Psalm 3:3 “You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.” Thinking on how greatly He loves us and the lengths He’s gone to show that great love – and still goes to today – helps me to remember my value and worth in Him. Blessings, friend – you are a precious treasure to the kingdom. Hugs!
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Thank you, Tiffany. Yes, some seasons do seem harder. Thank you for sharing the verse from Psalm 3. It is so hope-filled. He truly is so often the lifter up of our heads, isn’t He? I’m really encouraged by your posts on wonder. May He lead us ever deeper into the “wonder” of His love for us! Hugs!
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Oh Trudy, I can so relate to you on many levels here, my friend. I still carry that abandoned and hurt child inside of me. I slam that door on Jesus. I get it, I really do. Thank you for this much needed encouragement: “When His love defines us, rejection turns to acceptance. Our nothingness turns to priceless value. Our brokenness turns to beauty.” I will carry that with me. That song Oceans is my very favorite. I listen to it every morning when I drop my son off at school. I still cry every time I hear it. Happy, happy early birthday! I hope it’s your best ever :).
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Thank you for your early birthday wishes. 🙂 My heart aches for you, Candace. I’m so sorry you also still carry that abandoned and hurt child inside of you. Yes, you are accepted, priceless, and beautiful in Jesus! That song really tugs at my heart, too. I long for Him to lead me deeper where my trust is without borders. And also as the song reminds us – Our feet may fail and fear surround us, but God is never going to fail us. May God draw the little child in you close to His heart and give her ever deeper healing! Hugs!
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Hi Trudy,
I feel as if you and I are kindred sensitive souls and your crayon-crushing memory reminded me that I can’t understand sometimes why hurtful words and painful memories remain forever embedded in our memories when so many happier times could bloom over them, right? I’m with you, wondering about those very things as I get older too {but we still have a lot of living to do, don’t you think, girlfriend?!} but I’m trying to think of the very opposite of what those feelings conjure up in me — how can I see this differently? As an opportunity to tell my story (just like you’ve done here to encourage us) or see God differently or see others in a new light, and then some of those old remembrances don’t hold so much power to affect me. It’s miraculous that fresh life can come from old wounds! Praying for you and sending love! xoxo
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Thank you for your love and prayers, Valerie. Yes, it’s really sad how those hurtful memories crowd out the happier ones. I’m sorry you have painful memories, my kindred sensitive soul. Thank you for the insightful tips of how to work at not letting those old memories have so much power over us. I love how you word it that “fresh life can come from old wounds.” Yes, that is miraculous! We will have to keep reminding each other of that. 🙂 I have been trying to take note of happier things throughout my childhood that kept me going. Going fishing with my brother and milking cows with him were things I enjoyed. I was kind of a tomboy. 🙂 Praying for you, too, that God will make beauty out of the ashes in your life! Hugs!
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Now I’d like to hear those stories, Trudy, of milking cows and going fishing! You remind me of Little House on the Prairie, but if you say you churned butter, too, I just might start wondering . . .:)
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Nope. No churning butter. 🙂 We got that from the store. 🙂
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First of all a (((hug))).Your honesty and vulnerability are beautiful, Trudy. I get you. It’s a struggle, frustrating as well. You and I have walked a similar path. Not until the Holy Spirit performed deep heart surgery (that happened in the blink of an eye) did I come to grips with loving myself. That changed my view of “me” altogether, thoughts and focus as well. We can take shelter in His love, and refuge in His strength. Aside from Him, what else is there? Visiting today via #coffeeforyourheart.
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Thank you for your hug and encouragement, Kristi. I definitely need some deep heart surgery. “…shelter in His love, and refuge in His strength.” Shelter. Refuge. Both imply we are in trouble, and He wants to rescue us. Yes, what better place to go to than to Him! Thank you for this reminder. May God keep you under the shelter of His wings! Hugs back!
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Hi Trudi- Thank you for this post. I struggle with very similar feelings and thoughts, and your words comfort me tonight. Thank you for reminding me of how Jesus wants “To lift that little girl in me and hold her to Himself. To whisper how precious and lovable she is to Him.” I am going to hang on to that precious thought xoxo
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Hi Susie. You must be back from Hawaii. I hope you had a relaxing, restful, rejuvenating time! I’m sorry you struggle with similar feelings, but I’m so glad you were encouraged here. I can see Jesus lifting that little girl in you and hugging you, saying, “Yes, Susie, you are precious and lovable!” We will have to keep encouraging each other with that thought. 🙂 May Jesus hold you close and convince you of how very precious you are in His sight! Hugs!
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Thank you trudi – my eyes are tearing up – xoxo
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Hugs!
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Girl, I just wanted to jump in this computer and hug you. I am reminded that some things that happen in life change us – forever. I’m so glad you have decided to take your pain and show us all that God can use ours to help others. Blessings friend.
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I “feel” your hug, Carmen. 🙂 Thank you, also for the encouraging reminder that God can use our pain to help others. It’s really hard to be so vulnerable, but my hopes are that some hurting soul out there will feel less alone and will see how Jesus can heal us. May God fill you with His love and peace! Hugs back!
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Thanks for sharing your story, Trudy. It makes me stop and reflect how I treat kids as an adult. You are right, kids are so vulnerable to not feeling valued, and we adults can so easily brush them off or pass them by. And your scriptures in the amplified version are beautiful. Good truth here!
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Thank you, Betsy. Yes, kids are so vulnerable, and it’s so important we make them feel valued. Just like Jesus did. 🙂 Praying God will bless you and keep you in His tender loving care! Hugs!
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Trudy, that wounded, hurting child lies close to the surface for me too and I can strongly relate to this post and to the need: “To excavate those feelings of insignificance and lay them open to His healing love. To let His love define who we really are.” It’s a long slow process to become healed and whole and to allow our hearts to be open to all that Jesus wants to do within. But we are getting there, albeit one tiny step of faith at a time. We may want to rush the healing process but anything lasting has to go deep and that means digging out the old, crumbling foundations of our lives in order for Christ to lay a new foundation built on love and trust. Praying for you as I walk beside you on this journey. It hurts, I know, but it’s a good pain when we allow God to lance the wounds, let our hearts be opened and enable healing to be complete in due time. Blessings and hugs! Xox ❤
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Thank you for your understanding and prayers, Joy. I know you deal with this, too. I admire your patience in waiting on God. Yes, one tiny step at a time. What you say gives hope – “We may want to rush the healing process but anything lasting has to go deep and that means digging out the old, crumbling foundations of our lives in order for Christ to lay a new foundation built on love and trust.” Thank you. May we continue on this journey of healing together. May Jesus give us ever deeper healing in Him as our foundation! Hugs!
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Feeling His comfort on our faith journey can seem like outstretched arms that are miles away from reaching us at times. Someone once counselled me to keep looking up, not to man for my identity in Christ, and to learn to really understand His love for us. I think in the flesh, there will be an ongoing tension between feeling His love in spirit, and feeling our value from the world. I so agree with Joy–our faith is one step at a time, and know that God is patient with us so we need to be patient with ourselves too. God bless!
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Thank you for your comforting insight, Lynn. Yes, I think if we understand more of His love for us, we will feel more valued. I marvel that God is so patient with us, and as you say, we need to be patient with ourselves, too. I was thinking yesterday how much we need to “rest” in His grace instead of fighting so hard to be healed faster. One step at a time we will get there, won’t we? May God bless you and keep you on this journey! Hugs!
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My heart broke for your kindergarten-self. Yes, it’s incredibly difficult to let walls down and trust completely again. I look back to the moments that ended up defining me, those moments when I thought God wasn’t around. I see now He was there, simply waiting for me to call out to Him. He wants us to need Him. Keep stepping forward, no matter how small the step. Blessings!
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Thank you for your compassion and encouragement, Carrie. Yes, He’s always here waiting for us to carry our burdens to Him, even when we don’t see Him. He is so incredibly patient, isn’t He? May God bless you and keep you in His tender loving care! Hugs!
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