This year has been a roller coaster of emotions for many. Unprecedented changes hard to accept, violence and injustices hard to stomach, losses in so many various ways that are so hard to process.
Friends, I am so tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally… The storms around me and within me are driving me to deeper layers of pain I dismissed as not as important as others’ pain. I am becoming more aware that I lack compassion for myself and my own pain, the same compassion God has shown me and given me for others who are hurting.
I’m too often white-knuckling my way through life. I easily conform to others’ preferences or try to live up to their expectations rather than acknowledging my own preferences or needs out of fear of their anger, their disappointment, or their rejection. I can’t get past this fear of being hurt again without facing it head on and processing the deep reasons why my body sometimes tightens up and my stomach clenches and my mind says, “Run for your life.” I especially get anxiety, dread, and feel shame heaped on me in situations and around people who dismiss the deep pain abuse victims go through, who don’t support or validate them, and who even heap more false guilt on them, including myself.
“From the ends of the earth,
I cry to You for help
when my heart is overwhelmed.
Lead me to the towering rock of safety,
for You are my safe refuge,
a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.
Let me live forever in Your sanctuary,
safe beneath the shelter of Your wings!”
Psalm 61:2-4 NLT
I have decided I need a longer break from blogging to acknowledge and process this mess of emotions storming and overwhelming my soul. I need to pause and allow God to help me heal more deeply. I just know God wants me to step back and allow Him to lead my heart and my life wherever He chooses, even if it means the way will be even more difficult. It fills me with anxiety and fear, but I feel God is nudging me to step past the wall I build around myself and take the risk, trusting He is my ever-present Rock of Safety, my Safe Refuge, and my Shelter.
I don’t know how long I’ll be pausing from posting. And it may be that I will still sporadically post. I’m just so filled with uncertainty right now. But I wanted to let you know. Thank you for your love, caring, and support.
I commit each of you to Jesus who knows infinitely better what we need than we know ourselves. And remember, even if your abuser or others you love don’t believe you or support you, it doesn’t eliminate the truth of your story. And even if others don’t understand why you can’t just “get over it already,” God does understand. He knows the truth and He cries with you and loves you so much.
My Prayer For You
by Alisa Turner
“For anyone who’s prayed a thousand prayers
And still can’t find the answer anywhere
Fighting off the lie that no one cares
For anyone who’s out there losing hope
Feeling you’re forsaken and alone
Clinging to the last strands of your rope
May God give you eyes to see, He’s still greater
Courage to rise and believe He’s able
May God be your peace in the fire you’re walking through
This is my prayer now
This is my prayer for you…”
Freed to Fly 
Hey Sister, my heart, thoughts and prayers are with you. This pandemic and the isolation has pushed many already dealing with other trauma to the brink. May God have mercy on us all. May He move in a mighty way on your behalf equipping and empowering you for all that is needed. Love you, Trudy❤️🙏
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Thank you so much, dear Sita. ❤️ I so appreciate your empathy and prayers. Yes, may God have mercy on us all! “May He move in a mighty way on your behalf equipping and empowering you for all that is needed” Your prayer brings tears to my eyes. I am praying the same for you right now. And I will still remember you in prayer. I love you, too!
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❤️❤️🙏🙏
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Dear Trudy,
Thank you for this.
I was clinging to the last strands of my rope last night.
But today,
Thank you for sharing.
And I will be praying for you.
In everything that you do,
In all the ways God leads you in the near future,
I will love you through it all.
And I know that human love cannot come anywhere near the love that God has for you.
But I know that God gives us humans to comfort us.
So thank you for being that human who has been there for me,
And if you ever need a friend,
I hope I can be half the friend that you have been to me.
Sometimes I feel so inadequate,
But I want you to know that I love you with my whole heart.
Love,
Shelley
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My dear Shelley, thank you so much. Also for listening to me and validating me the other day. Though you may feel inadequate, you truly have often given me comfort. My heart aches for all the pain you have suffered and still suffer. No, human love can’t come anywhere near God’s love for us. But I’m so thankful for the humans God does bring into our lives who support and validate us. Who truly care. Like you. I love you with my whole heart, too! I’m so grateful you are my niece and my friend. You will continue to be in my heart and prayers! ❤️🙏🏼
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The most important moves we can make are those that follow God’s lead. And that sounds like exactly what you’re doing, Trudy, trusting that His plans for you will lead you to a place of healing and hope. Know I will miss you and keep you in my prayers!
Blessings!
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Thank you for your prayers and blessings, Martha! That means a lot. May we follow God’s lead in every area of life and may our hearts be open to wherever He leads us, even if it’s hard.
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Dear Trudy,
Oh I am so thankful that God gave you His guidance to come away with Him and rest for a while. But I do know how difficult that can be. And the enemy is so close there also, trying to keep that shame covering us. I am so thankful that we can pray for each other during this time. May you sense the Lord’s calling as such a sweet invitation. Today I came across this old song, and it helped me so much. I pray that He stirs up within us both a longing to know more of HIM, and His gentle love for us.
Love you so very much my dear sister, Bettie
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Thank you so much for your continuing support and prayers, Bettie. Yes, that enemy is everywhere, trying to keep that shame covering us. I love the song. These lines especially twang the longing in my soul:
“Oh, I want to know You more!
Deep within my soul I want to know You,
Oh, I want to know You.
To feel Your heart and know Your mind,
Looking in Your eyes stirs up within me,
Cries that says I want to know You”
Thank you so much for sharing this. May we both come to know more of HIM and His gentle love for us! I love you so very much, too!
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What a year! I feel you, Trudy. I pray that God will use your blogging break for your good. We each have to listen to how God is helping us cope. I’m about to embark on something different myself next week. My prayers will be with you and I appreciate how you pray for us as well! We will get through this and come out on the other side. God will see to that! Love you much!
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Thank you so much for your understanding and prayers, Lisa. I’m eager to hear what different path you are embarking on next week. My prayers will be with you that God will bless your journey wherever He may lead you. Love you much, too!
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Oh, Trudy, my heart goes out to you. What a hard place to find yourself in! Please know that you matter tremendously to us and to God, and your pain is every bit as valid as everyone else’s. Your healing and recovery are very much in God’s hands regarding the degree and timing. But oh, you are not alone in still feeling the shame of it all, no matter how many years have passed, and the lingering sense that you somehow ought to be over it all. My dear friend, it takes as long as it takes. And this set apart time God is calling you into might just uncover deeper layers of pain but also the deeper levels of healing He now intends to bring to your wounded soul.
I understand the fear and anxiety about probing deeper still into an area of great hurt which we desperately want to be done and dusted. Yet when we remember how tenderly and compassionately God loves us and allures us to Himself, then our fears begin to subside and give way to greater faith and trust. Thank you for your honest sharing. It helps direct our prayers to the areas of greatest need. I’m very willing to be a soul companion and a listening ear for you, if you would like me to. Meanwhile, you are very much in my thoughts and prayers. May you sense the hope-filled lift of caring, praying friends supporting you every step of the way. Sending much love and gentle hugs. Hang in there, sweet sister. xo 💜
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Thank you so much for your continuing empathy and prayers, Joy. You are one of those caring, praying friends you mention here. I thank you for your invitation in being a soul companion and listening ear to me. I am thankful for the times you have supported me from afar through your posts, comments and emails. May we both come to know more deeply the tender and compassionate love of God and how much He wants us to be compassionate, not only with others, but also with ourselves.
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Time alone with God to ‘be still’ is so very special Trudy. I have recently shared my experience in ‘Being’ in;
‘Are you Struggling My Friend?’
https://teawithjennifer.blog/2020/10/08/are-you-struggling-my-friend/
You may find Beth Moore’s new book Chasing Vineyards helpful (that my reading group is reading at the moment), during your time of stillness as she has a history of abuse in her early years & the victory she had had through Jesus.
Sending you gentle hugs dear sister,
Jennifer
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Thank you, Jennifer, for bringing up your post to me. To pause, stop our striving, and abide in Jesus is essential to our physical, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing, isn’t it? I know I need more of that… I have had that book on my wishlist at Amazon for a while already, but presently I have two books that are helping me. And I have preordered Lysa Terkeurst’s book – Forgiving What You Can’t Forget. Like you, I need to linger in the flavor, not just a quick taste, so deep heart-searching books require me to go slowly and process. Thank you for mentioning that there are multiple Scripture references in Beth’s book. I love nonfiction books that refer to Scripture. You said you were actually drinking coffee when you wrote that post. 🙂 I am right now drinking peppermint tea while snowflakes are drifting down outside. It’s disheartening to me when the cold weather sets in as my lungs can’t take the cold. But the tea is great! That and licorice are my favorites, I think. Love and hugs to you, too! May we stop our striving, both physically and emotionally, and abide in Jesus, being still so we can hear His voice more clearly.
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I’m glad you joined me in a cuppa Trudy!
And, I agree in “May we stop our striving, both physically and emotionally, and abide in Jesus, being still so we can hear His voice more clearly.” Amen! ♥
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❤️🙏🏼
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Trudy, I’m sorry you’re feeling so tired and overwhelmed. I pray that as you take some time out to seek God that you know his presence closely with you and sense the love and compassion he has for you. Praying that this time will lead you to a place of deeper peace and healing. I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you as I miss your words, but totally understand your need for some time away. Sending love and hugs!
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Thank you so much for your continuing understanding, support and prayers, Lesley. I appreciate it so much. Sending love and hugs to you, too! May God give us the grace and the strength to walk this difficult journey of life.
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Numbers 6:24–26 The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.
You are faithfully trusting the good work He is doing in you and through you, Trudy. Your life is His! Sending you love and hug too!
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Oh Lynn, thank you so much for praying that prayer for me. I love that prayer, and it brings tears to my eyes that you share it here. Truly what we need each moment and in every situation. I am right now praying the same for you. And thank you for understanding. Sending love and hugs to you, too! May we be turn our hearts towards the LORD and the sunshine of His precious love and grace!
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❤🙏🙏
Healing takes time. May you bow in surrendered rest, drawing close to His tender, loving heart, drinking deeply of His “hesed” love for you.
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Thank you so much for your prayers and understanding, Ruth. Yes, healing takes time. I do long for that day when our healing will be complete in heaven! According to your last post, you have been having a rough week and struggling with several situations. I’m so sorry. May we both drink deeply of His faithful love for us and may He give us grace for each moment!
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Oh Trudy … I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Thank you for sharing this here, so others who are feeling similar things know they are not alone and so we can know how to lift you up to our Heavenly Father. I am so thankful for your example of listening to the Spirit’s guidance and following after even when it’s hard and scary. I will be praying that you will have the courage to work through the pain and come out on the other side refreshed and even more confident of God’s amazing love for you. Hugs, dear friend.
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Thank you so much for your continuing support and prayers, Lois. I appreciate them so much. Hugs to you, too! May God help us to cling to His amazing love and faithful character!
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Great prayer post. Thank you for considering others in your prayer and have self-awareness. God is our refuge, our mighty rock, we shall not be shaken. Trust in him at all times, let us pour out our hearts to him, For our salvation and honor depends on him. May the peace of God surround you and rest and rule in you!
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Thank you so much for your prayers and for reminding me of those encouraging verses. I appreciate it. It’s such a blessing that God invites us to pour out our hearts to Him. I couldn’t do life without Him. May we lean into Jesus and trust His plan!
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You are welcome! Amen:)
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