But I Will Remember His Miracles

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My airways flamed up and  tightened, and my energy drained away. I was suffocating, so I left to use my nebulizer. It helped some, but I still felt like an elephant sat on my chest. I was exhausted. Bone tired. I couldn’t even think anymore. When I tried to, I cried.

Anytime I get into contact with smoke, even candle smoke, my airways rebel. My sarcoidosis flares up and I get very ill and have to take antibiotic and greater doses of Prednisone.

I had intended to stay for a wedding’s dance, but I had to leave. I felt guilty, but I couldn’t hold myself strong anymore. My husband told me, “I wish you wouldn’t always feel guilty about everything.” But I was, and I often do. I feel like I let people down, like I disappoint them, like I don’t measure up.

I’m not asking for pity, but I empathize with anyone who has a chronic illness, especially those invisible illnesses when people may say, “But you look good.” When your illness doesn’t always show, some people think it must not be so bad, and they don’t offer support like they do with more visible illnesses.

I’m trying to be more honest with how I really feel, but I still easily hide behind a smile. I’m trying to feel less guilty for saying “No,” but it’s not easy. Not everyone understands, and some even think I’m faking it. Some think I should suck it up, that I can do more than I think I can. So I try to convince myself that I’m fine. Then I don’t listen to the warning signals in my body, because I have those voices in my head. And I pay for it again and again.

It tears my heart out to disappoint people, especially loved ones, if I can’t always make it to activities. Sometimes I even reason with myself that if Christ’s grace is sufficient for me, I should be able to do all these things in spite of chronic fatigue and illness. Or I beat myself up – If I had more faith, maybe this affliction would leave me. I even feel guilty to ask for prayers, because maybe then I’m complaining or someone might think I’m feeling sorry for myself. After all, there are people who have it worse than I do.

I don’t know why God allows this thorn in my flesh, but He does teach me deeper lessons through it. When I get so sick, I can’t think, and Satan takes advantage of me. Negative voices flood in and feel like they’re going to drown me. I have no strength to fight them or to focus on God’s promises. But in my weakness, God is strong. My fingers slip as I try to cling to the cross, but an Invisible Hand hangs on to me.

Hang On!

As the clouds of fatigue clear up in my brain, I wonder what we can focus on when troubles overwhelm us:

The mighty deeds of the Lord,

His miracles,

What Jesus has sacrificed for us,

Because only in this,

We gain the victory.

But I Will Remember

My heart is overwhelmed
But I will remember
Jesus’ grace is sufficient for every circumstance.
I am bone tired
But I will remember
Jesus suffered weariness to give me rest.
It’s hard to breathe
But I will remember
Jesus gave up His last breath for my salvation.
The journey gets dark
But I will remember
Jesus suffered the darkest of nights for me.
Words, actions, and silence hurt me
But I will remember
Jesus suffered unspeakable pain for me.
Insecurity discourages me
But I will remember
Jesus thought me valuable enough to die for.
Legalism swings its swords
But I will remember
Jesus died to give me life, not death.
Memory triggers plunge me into past abuse
But I will remember
Jesus died to heal my body, mind, and soul.
Shame beats me down
But I will remember
Jesus’ sacrifice has freed me from all condemnation.
Panic freezes my faith
But I will remember
Jesus has conquered fear.
Bitterness sours joy
But I will remember
Jesus offers forgiveness.
Depression sinks me into despair
But I will remember
In Jesus’ victory I can dance.
My sins testify against me
But I will remember
His forgiveness annuls sacrifice for sin.
I sometimes doubt His promises
But I will remember
He is a 100% Promise-Keeper!

Godhasnotpromised

Joining Faith Barista’s writing prompt:
Remembrance

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God Still Opens Seas of Impossibilities

Open Writing Prompt: {Soul Rest}
Anything that touches your heart during your 1-1 time with God.

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I had a dream, but it fell apart. I didn’t pick myself up again, but I let it lie broken and trampled on. All because I trusted one voice of criticism more than many voices of encouragement. That’s me. More comfortable with receiving criticism than with receiving love.

I’m trying to pick up that dream again, but it’s so hard.

I want to allow myself to open up to encouragement.

Especially from God.

To stop and listen to His voice.

To let Him lead me.

To let Him love me.

To stop analyzing and planning everything by myself.

To allow myself to merely bask in the light of His Presence.

But I’m so stuck. Like the Israelites in the wilderness. God promised deliverance, but all they see is how they are blocked in with impossibilities. Pharaoh and 600 of his best war chariots hot on their heels. The mountains on either side of them. The Red Sea, wide and deep, in front of them. Terrified, they cry out to God. They grumble at Moses. Where will they go? They blindly follow the cloud of His presence that guides them onward, but it all seems so impossible. Will God let them be devoured by their enemies? Will they drown in the sea? Wouldn’t it have been better to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness?

Moses told the people, “Fear not; stand still (firm, confident, undismayed) and see the salvation of the Lord which He will work for you today. For the Egyptians you have seen today you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace and remain at rest.” (Exodus 14:13-14 AMP)

Red Sea
Nothing Is Impossible With God!

Then God told Moses to stop crying out and get moving. To tell the Israelites to move on. Moses raised his staff and stretched it out over the sea. True to His promise, God opened the way, impossible from their side but always-and-forever possible from His side. As they travelled through the Red Sea on dry ground, God moved His cloud behind them spreading light to them but darkness to their enemies.

This miraculous parting of impossibilities happened again later on in the Israelites’ journey when they had to pass through the Jordan River to get to Canaan. God told the priests who held the ark to go and stand in the river. The waters weren’t even parted yet! They had to step forward into the swirling waters trusting that God would open the way.

   

I’m Stuck

God, I feel so blocked in.

Enemies nip at my heels

Ready to drag me down into the pit,

The quicksand of depression.

I can’t possibly scale those mountains.

And a raging sea of impossibilities looms ahead of me.

I’m scared, God.

I read the stories of Your miracles

And I believe them.

But I’m so stuck.

Please shatter these shackles

That bind me.

Insecurity, shame, fear.

Please nudge me forward.

To dip my feet in.

To not only pray

But to take action.

Trusting You will open the way.

Letting myself be Your beloved.

Basking in the light of Your Presence.

Drawing from the power of Your All-Sufficent Grace.

I plead on Your power, O God.

You are still a God of miracles.

A Child's Trust

I Am the Way

Love,God

My precious child,

I will always be faithful to you.

I will never, never leave you.

I will always be here for you.

Stop trying to find the sufficiency in yourself.

You will never find it there.

My grace makes you sufficient.

My strength is made perfect in your weakness.

Don’t look at all the barriers around you.

My beloved, look at Me.

Listen to My Voice.

I love you with an everlasting love.

Always have and always will.

Bask in My Presence.

Allow yourself to be loved.

Rest in My love for you,

And you will trust

I can mow down your enemies,

I can level mountains,

I can open up your sea of impossibilities.

I will shatter those shackles that bind you.

I will wash your wounds.

Just move forward, My child,

One step at a time.

Take action.

Dip your feet into the waters.

And trust Me, My child.

Nothing is impossible for Me.

Trust My leading.

Trust My love.

Trust My power.

 A Child's Trust

Jesus Is Infinitely More Willing to Give Than We Are To Receive

God so loved
“He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all–how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?” Romans 8:32

Expect your every need to be met, expect the answer to every problem, expect abundance on every level, expect to grow spiritually.” (Eileen Caddy – emphasis mine)

When you ask God for something, do you expect He will answer or do you assume He can’t or won’t give it?

The other day I realized I was praying for something I didn’t even believe would happen. Humanly, it was not possible. I had reasoned it out. No way was it going to happen. I would keep hoping God will work a miracle, but I didn’t expect it of Him.

Whenever I turn a faucet on, I expect water to come out. But when I tap into the conduit of God’s unlimited supply of mercy and power, I don’t really expect anything to flow out. I believe in my head that He can flood me with His goodness, but I don’t always believe He will.

In Mark 9, a man had a son who was possessed by an evil spirit. When the spirit seized him, the boy fell to the ground in a motionless stupor. His teeth gnashed and foam bubbled out of his mouth. At his wit’s end, the father begged Jesus, “If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”

“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”

The father cried out, “Lord, I believe! Please help my weakness of faith!”

I struggle with the same weakness. I believe He can, but will He? Jesus is infinitely more willing to give than we are to receive. He healed the son in spite of the father questioning His willingness.

I’m so glad it depends on Jesus and His unconditional want-to love, not on our level of faith. However doubting we are, Jesus delights to give freely and fully.

A couple of days after my stumbling faith, my husband called and said, “Our God is an awesome God! He has answered!” Wow! Thank You, Jesus!

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.” (2 Corinthians 4:7)