Dagger-throwing eyes and accusing fingers pointed at me, “You whore.” It was so real that I woke up with a thumping heart, a sinking spirit, and a strong urge to run and hide.
Memories flooded in, swallowing my spirit like quicksand. So many years ago when I was but a vulnerable young woman in youth group who needed help, many people did accuse me of being a “whore” instead of the pastor’s victim. When their mouths didn’t degrade me, their looks and silence did.
On the day of the dream, the three big Ds that abuse victims feel hit me full force and smothered me. Dirty. Damaged. Different.
As my husband and I sat outside on the patio, I told him how I was trying to remember what he always told me, “God knows the truth.” I kept trying to replace the lies with God’s Truth, but I still felt so downhearted.
I tried and tried to focus on Jesus and who I am in Him, but it seemed so hopeless. I tried to consider how precious I am in His sight. How His thoughts towards me outnumber the grains of sand on this earth. That’s a lot of thoughts! Yet still darkness crowded out the light in my heart.
“How precious are Your thoughts about me, O God.
They cannot be numbered!
I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
You are still with me!”
Psalm 139:17-18 NLT
Then that afternoon I was reading a devotion and I came upon a verse:
“One of them, the disciple whom Jesus loved,
was reclining next to Him.”
John 13:23
I knew John is the one who was inspired to write the book of John, and yet it hadn’t sunk in before that John actually spoke this of himself. He considered himself “the disciple whom Jesus loved.” As he leaned against Jesus, he knew in his heart that he was the very beloved of Jesus.
Too often I still let past abuse and accusations define me, and it’s choking the joy out of my heart and life. It’s binding my wings, so that I cannot fly in Jesus. I can say I know Jesus loves me, but it doesn’t really sink into my heart that I am His beloved. His chosen. His precious child.
I took deep breaths in and cried, “I am the one whom Jesus loves!” Then every time I blew out, my heart shouted, “Get out of here, Satan!” I did this several times and comfort seeped into my heart along with a longing to truly believe and live as Jesus’ beloved one.
The negative voices of shame and insecurity and Satan’s lies become so strong sometimes in me. I deeply long to identify myself in who I am in Christ, not in the lies.
He loves you, too, my dear readers. YOU are “the one whom Jesus loves!” Many of you have had past or still do have experiences of some type of abuse, and perhaps you feel cloaked in shame. You feel so dirty, damaged, and different. But Jesus gives us a different identity in Him. He invites us to come to Him. Past abuse can burden us, but Jesus says His yoke is gentle and His burden is light. He doesn’t want us to carry the heavy burden of shame. On the cross He endured shame, degradation, and humiliation so we can be freed from it. Freed to fly!
“Come to Me, all you who labor
and are heavy-laden and overburdened,
and I will cause you to rest.
[I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls.]
Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me,
for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart,
and you will find rest (relief and ease and refreshment
and recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls.”
Matthew 11:28-29 AMP
“Jesus Loves Me”
by Chris Tomlin
May we believe with all our hearts
that we are the ones Jesus loves!
Linking up with:
Holley – Coffee For Your Heart
Jennifer – Tell His Story
Kelly – Cheerleaders of Faith
Bonnie – Faith Barista’s Beloved Brews
Freed to Fly 
Dear Trudy, in clicking ‘like’ here I’m not saying at all that I approve in any way of all the painful things you have experienced, but I am saying, “Go girl!” in your fight for freedom from abuse, in recovering from painful memories guilt and shame. Jesus is looking on with nothing but deep tender, compassionate, unconditional love for you in His eyes and a heart that longs to heal every hurt. Hang on to those things which are feeding your soul and reassuring you of your right standing before God. You ARE His beloved in every sense of the word. And He is for you every step of the way.
It’s a long journey, isn’t it? With so many stumbling places and sinking sand wastelands to fall into. But God… has got you, my friend. You are no longer “dirty, damaged and different” but a delightful daughter of God dressed in robes of righteousness. Please don’t allow anyone to tell you otherwise, least of all yourself. This is such a heart-rending, brave post which will speak to many. You are throwing off your carapace and all those heavy condemnation chains, and soon the butterfly within will float free! Much love, blessings and prayers for you, soul sister. Xx ❤
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Such a beautiful comment, Joy. Thank you for all your empathy and encouragement. Yes, my friend, it is a long journey, but thanks be unto our gracious God for pulling us through it! I read this morning of how He actually rejoices over us with singing. Wow! May we both look to our tender, loving, compassionate Savior and may we be set free to fly to His glory! Hugs!
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This is wonderful encouragement for anyone who is ashamed of their past. I’m so sorry for your past hurts. But I love how you are fighting still, we all need to see examples like this as most of us have one thing or another from our past that still tries to threaten us. Visiting from RaRaLinkup! ❤
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Thank you for your kind and loving words, Rachel. Yes, it’s a continual battle, and there are many people suffering from past pain who do not dare to talk about it. My heart goes out to them. May Jesus break those chains and show us He has already gained the victory! May God bless you and keep you, Rachel! Hugs!
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Such beautiful encouragement here for those of us with darkness in our pasts, Trudy! You so deserve to unbind those wings and fly in Jesus, my friend. I’m heartbroken for the awful pain that was inflicted on you. Then for you to be hurt again my other members of the church! This is incredibly true but hard for me to come to grips with sometimes: “He doesn’t want us to carry the heavy burden of shame.” Thank you for that beautiful, important reminder! XOXO
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Your words touch a deep place in my heart, Candace. Thank you. You, too, deserve to “unbind those wings and fly in Jesus!” It’s hard for me to come to grips, too, that Jesus doesn’t want us to carry the heavy burden of shame. It doesn’t always travel from my head to my heart. May Jesus help us to release that burden of shame to Him and fly free! Hugs!
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Yay for you, Trudy, for keep going on! Jesus loves us all, I have always known it 🙂
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Thank you, Lily. His grace is sufficient! I’m so glad you know Jesus’ love. May He give you to grow more and more in His love and grace! Hugs!
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Trudy,
Thank you for sharing these words! Your experience was horrific. I think the enemy knows our weakest points and keeps repeating words to have us doubt God’s redeeming love for us, no matter how long ago they happened or how untrue we know they are. He also knows that sharing our words to inspire others will change lives and only by speaking words of truth can we fight back. You are such an encourager, Trudy!
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Thank you for your compassion and understanding, Valerie. And your encouragement to me. Let’s keep fighting back with those words of truth! May God keep showing us His redeeming love! Hugs!
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Trudi- Thanks for this- for sharing your heart- God is using your words in my heart tonight- so precious and so dear – and so much what i needed to hear- Thank you – it has helped me feel not so alone- blessings and hugs
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I’m so glad God is using these words in your heart and you feel less alone, Susie. Though I’m sorry you have gone or go through pain and shame. We can get through this with Jesus and together, right? May Jesus remind you again and again that you are one of His beloved and cherished ones! Hugs!
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Hi Trudy! My heart just breaks for your dream, and how you struggle with your feelings. I am so glad that your husband is such a support for you.
Yes, you are a loved one of God. Jesus loves you more than we can ever ask or imagine. Your are His special child. And I know that He is ready to give you all the grace you need to continue to heal, and feel worthy. I will keep you in my prayers too.
Blessings always,
Ceil
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Thank you, Ceil, for your caring words and prayers. It’s hard to believe sometimes in my heart that I’m His special child, but I have to keep trying to see myself through the eyes of Jesus, not through Satan’s lies. His grace is sufficient! You, too, are a loved one of God, and God has given you the gift of a caring heart. May God shed His light within you and give you peace and strength for each day! Hugs!
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Thank you for this reminder.
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You’re welcome, Lisanne. YOU are the one whom Jesus loves! May God be with you and give you peace! Hugs!
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