This year has been a roller coaster of emotions for many. Unprecedented changes hard to accept, violence and injustices hard to stomach, losses in so many various ways that are so hard to process.
Friends, I am so tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally… The storms around me and within me are driving me to deeper layers of pain I dismissed as not as important as others’ pain. I am becoming more aware that I lack compassion for myself and my own pain, the same compassion God has shown me and given me for others who are hurting.
I’m too often white-knuckling my way through life. I easily conform to others’ preferences or try to live up to their expectations rather than acknowledging my own preferences or needs out of fear of their anger, their disappointment, or their rejection. I can’t get past this fear of being hurt again without facing it head on and processing the deep reasons why my body sometimes tightens up and my stomach clenches and my mind says, “Run for your life.” I especially get anxiety, dread, and feel shame heaped on me in situations and around people who dismiss the deep pain abuse victims go through, who don’t support or validate them, and who even heap more false guilt on them, including myself.
“From the ends of the earth, I cry to You for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety, for You are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me. Let me live forever in Your sanctuary, safe beneath the shelter of Your wings!”
Psalm 61:2-4 NLT
I have decided I need a longer break from blogging to acknowledge and process this mess of emotions storming and overwhelming my soul. I need to pause and allow God to help me heal more deeply. I just know God wants me to step back and allow Him to lead my heart and my life wherever He chooses, even if it means the way will be even more difficult. It fills me with anxiety and fear, but I feel God is nudging me to step past the wall I build around myself and take the risk, trusting He is my ever-present Rock of Safety, my Safe Refuge, and my Shelter.
I don’t know how long I’ll be pausing from posting. And it may be that I will still sporadically post. I’m just so filled with uncertainty right now. But I wanted to let you know. Thank you for your love, caring, and support.
I commit each of you to Jesus who knows infinitely better what we need than we know ourselves. And remember, even if your abuser or others you love don’t believe you or support you, it doesn’t eliminate the truth of your story. And even if others don’t understand why you can’t just “get over it already,” God does understand. He knows the truth and He cries with you and loves you so much.
My Prayer For You
by Alisa Turner
“For anyone who’s prayed a thousand prayers And still can’t find the answer anywhere Fighting off the lie that no one cares For anyone who’s out there losing hope Feeling you’re forsaken and alone Clinging to the last strands of your rope May God give you eyes to see, He’s still greater Courage to rise and believe He’s able May God be your peace in the fire you’re walking through This is my prayer now This is my prayer for you…”
Okay, my intention was to start blogging again today, but my mind and heart were so overwhelmed with anxiety and uncertainty lately. But after spending some time with God soaking in the peaceful sights and sounds of His creation this morning, I feel more grounded in Him who controls everything. So now my heart feels nudged to send you encouragement yet today.
Isn’t it amazing that God’s thoughts towards us outnumber the grains of sand? He promises His presence and He will provide for us even when we can’t see our way forward. We may feel uncertain about the way forward. Our steps may falter. We may stumble and fall. But He reaches out His hand and urges us to grasp His hand in ours and trust Him to lead us step by step. To trust that His thoughts towards us are precious and He is with us each and every moment, even in the times when we can’t “feel” His Presence.
Imagine Me Without You
by Jaci Velasquez
“Imagine me without You I’d be lost and so confused I wouldn’t last a day, I’d be afraid Without You there to see me through…”