Depression is engulfing me in darkness and sinking me into a pit of quicksand. I am so overwhelmed and sad. I cry to God, but it doesn’t let up. I hear Him encouraging me, but I feel too weak to grasp His promises.
“Save me, O God,
for the floodwaters are up to my neck.
Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire;
I can’t find a foothold.
I am in deep water,
and the floods overwhelm me.”
Psalm 69:1-2
For some people church is a place of safety, worship, fellowship, and support. For me, it has been so different. We were raised in a church where I was more terrified of the hell and eternal darkness God would cast me into than hopeful for the unfailing love and precious grace of Jesus. In that church a sister, brother, and I were all sexually and spiritually abused by clergy.
My husband and I finally left that church and tried several other churches, only to end up having bad experiences in them also. Experiences that would throw me back into being a victim again.
A few weeks ago I tried going to church again, but I had the same result I often have. As I sat there, my mind disassociated again and I felt myself putting up walls and wanting to run and retreat into a hole. Depression and anxiety kicked in again.
We went on a little vacation, and it was so good to soak up God’s creation. Hope began to peek through the darkness. If God can make His creation thrive, His Spirit can fill me with life and help me thrive in this life for as long as He wants me to live.
But then we came home, and the depression set in stronger again.
I keep beating myself up that I must not have enough faith or I would be able to get past this fear. Yet I can’t control what happens in my mind and body.
Sometimes just when I believe God is healing me more deeply and helping me to place my identity in Jesus and His love for me, something like this happens. And I feel like a victim again.
Anyway, I’m all messed up, and I don’t want to write. I just couldn’t get myself to post last week as I feel so blocked and confused. I wonder what hope I could bring to other hurting souls when I’m so down myself. Yet it feels like God tells me to write anyway.
Perhaps I put too much pressure on myself. Telling myself I failed if I can’t go to church. Maybe it’s too rooted in me that I’m sinning if I don’t go. I really don’t know. But my heart tells me it’s not about going to church. It’s about my relationship with Jesus. And I feel I have to focus more on that. And be more patient with the ongoing process of healing.
Are you feeling depressed, overwhelmed, and hopeless? Do you feel like you have no control over the effects of abuse on your mind and body? There will be dark valleys in our life stories where the pressure of life squeezes out cries to God. And we learn again how totally dependent we are on Him. I’m trying to remember and I hope you will, too, that God has each of our stories in His hands. Every single incident in our lives is written there, and He feels our hurt as He writes our stories. Someday we will understand how much He is working towards our good. He has promised that His plan is to prosper us, never to harm us.
As I look out my office window, I see and hear the birds at the feeders and in a nest close to my window. And God quietly whispers, “I take care of these birds. Not one of them is forgotten. Neither will I forget you, My child. I will never leave you or forsake you. You are sad and overwhelmed and wish you could sing with all your heart like these birds in praise to Me. But know, My child, you will yet sing forth My praise. I will lift you out of this darkness and plant your feet again on the Rock, Christ Jesus.”
“O God, listen to my cry!
Hear my prayer!
From the ends of the earth,
I cry to You for help
when my heart is overwhelmed.
Lead me to the towering rock of safety,
for You are my safe refuge,
a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.”
Psalm 61:1-3
“Lead Me to the Rock”
Save us, O God,
and lead us to the Rock of Safety!
Linking up with:
Holley – Coffee For Your Heart
Jennifer – Tell His Story
Kelly – Cheerleaders of Faith
Bonnie – Faith Barista’s Beloved Brews
Freed to Fly 
“But my heart tells me it’s not about going to church. It’s about my relationship with Jesus. And I feel I have to focus more on that. And be more patient with the ongoing process of healing.” Yes, trust your heart! And, thank you for sharing your heart because you are not alone and your words are such an encouragement to others. I hit a hard place recently, and my counselor said something really helpful to me. We were talking about healing and forgiveness, and she said think of it like manna – enough for today. Praying for you, friend. Such beautiful pictures – and I love how He speaks tenderly to our hearts through those precious birds! Hugs to you!
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Thank you for your continued support and understanding, Michelle. I appreciate it so much. And thank you for passing on what your counselor told you. It brings tears to my eyes. Yes. “enough for today.” Such an encouraging way to look at it. Birds so often remind me of God’s faithful love and care for us! I’m sorry you hit a hard place recently. It’s such an up and down battle, isn’t it? May Jesus wrap you in His loving arms and give you ever deeper hope, healing, and freedom! Hugs to you, too! By the way, you are so brave to address abuse in such a real way on your blog. I wish you further courage!
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thank you SO much for sharing this! I relate to much-even the terror, dissociation, walls, shut down at church. This last week or so has been really intense-days where the past seems to mix into the present and it’s hard to tell what’s reality, days where the terror overwhelms and I’m lost in a fog of confusion not sure how I will make it out. But this morning while I was on a walk a friend texted and said to read your post. I read it right in the middle of my walk and it was such an encouragement because all morning I had been seeing birds and as I walked I kept seeing them EVERYWHERE! flying and singing-it was like a big God hug and reminder He sees me, He is with me, and He will keep me and heal me. Thank you for sharing! Praying for you too!
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It humbles me and melts me to tears that God would use this post for your encouragement, HisGirl. I love how you describe the birds as a “big God hug.” God is so good to give them to us in the midst of our struggles, isn’t He? I’m so sorry this last week has been so difficult for you. My heart aches for you. May Jesus give you daily strength, peace, and healing! Hugs!
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Also thank you so much for praying for me, HisGirl!
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Oh Trudy, my heart breaks with yours for I have been there too many times. My Dad told me recently never to rehearse in my mind or words the bad that others have done to me. He told me to remind myself continually what I am to God. Such a proactive battle. Praying for God’s deliverance for you, my dear sister. I pray that like Hannah Gurnard in Hinds Feet in High Places, you will run wild and free in uninhibited joy soon. Love you much and so appreciate your honesty. ((HUGS))
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Thank you for your beautiful prayer, Sita. To “run wild and free in uninhibited joy” is the cry of my heart. Yes, it’s such a battle, isn’t it? When we can grasp hold of who we are to God, it can be so much easier. May God be with you and give you peace and strength in the battle! And freedom from the past! I love you, too, and hugs to you, too!
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Dear Trudy, my heart goes out to you. This is such a hard thing to deal with. And the enemy of our souls is always trying to sink us with discouragement. The very fact that you are obedient to post words when you feel empty, weary, drained and defeated is a testimony to God at work in you. He is bringing you through the pain one tiny step at a time. This is a journey where we fall, falter and fail even as we lean heavy on His grace. It takes far longer than we ever imagine because wounds go deep and need a powerful cleansing and healing.
From what I know of you and witness here in your words, I think you are a woman of courage, resilience and strength whose heart aches to be well again. Keep moving forward, dear friend, inch by inch. I, and other soul sisters, are here to lean on and to share with. May you be given all the resources you need to fight this depression and see it as another stage in the process of recovery. Each revelation we receive of our inner struggles and need for God is a step in the right direction, no matter what you may feel right now. So take heart that it is not a bad sign, only a soul’s yearning for the light of His Presence.
I’m including a link to an old post of mine which may speak to your present situation. I hope it helps you to feel less alone. Here it is:http://wordsofjoy75.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/when-youre-between-rock-and-hard-place.html
Much blessing, love and prayers. Xox
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Thank you so much for your continued support and encouragement, Joy. It means so much to have friends who understand. Many of you I have never met personally, but there is a kinship as we struggle together and try to lean heavily on the Rock. As you write, He brings us through the pain one tiny step at a time. Too easily I am impatient for full healing and forget it takes a lifelong process. Thank you for sharing a past post of yours. It truly resonated in my heart.As you say – “Some cuts may need the antiseptic of His grace, a salve to cleanse and soothe.” So true, and sometimes they have to be lanced open to allow for His deeper cleansing. Thank you for these hope-filled reminders.
May we walk together on that journey of healing and may Jesus heal us ever more deeply. Love and Hugs to you, too!
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Beautiful story, and my heart goes out to you…thank you for sharing with us at #RaRaLinkup today. He will lift you out of this darkness, and that scripture (lead me to the rock that is higher than I) is one I rehearse regularly. Blessings to you…
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Thank you so much for caring, Angela. As I was writing this post, that Scripture came to me and it’s been my prayer ever since. Last night I read in Psalm 139 how even the darkness will not be dark to God but will shine like the day. It’s amazing that even when we are hedged in darkness, He sees and He knows and He cares. Blessings to you, too! May God be with you and give you strength day by day to cling to the Rock! Hugs!
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((((Trudy)))) My heart hurts for your hurt. I’m sorry that you’re struggling.
I’ll be praying for you. Depression is so very hard. (((Hug)))
I love how you’re focusing on God and His care and love for you.
(((Hugs))) Thank you for sharing.
~ Your neighbor at #TellHisStory Linkup.
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Thanks so much for your prayers and hugs, Brenda. I would never have made it to this moment without God’s love and care. Even when we don’t see Him, He is there, isn’t He? If I look back, there are so many times He has lifted me up again. May He be with you and keep you! Hugs back to you!
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I’m so sorry for your pain, Trudy! I will be praying for you, my friend. You know I get it, I really do. You are so right that it is more about your relationship with Jesus than sitting in that church pew. My husband was raised in that same type of church, where they basically got checkmarks for filling in that seat 3 times a week. Sadly, he was never taught about His grace and unconditional love. I wish there was something magical I could say to make you feel better. I was not a fan of church and ended up joining a life group for a while in a friend’s home. As I learned to trust them, I ended up joining their church. I still struggle with church and that type of organized religion sometimes, but I’m at least able to go with my family and actually find peace in the sermons. XOXO!
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Thank you for your support and understanding, Candace. And your prayers. How sad it is when Jesus’ grace and unconditional love isn’t taught. I’m so glad you are able to find peace in the sermons. May Jesus hold you close and help you through all your struggles! Hugs!
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Trudy,
I hopped over to your online home last week looking for you, but nobody was home! 🙂 Had I known you were around, I would have left a note on your door! 🙂 I can so relate with feeling discouraged but I’m discovering that when I’m on the brink of a breakthrough in some area of my journey and feel so close to God, that’s when it seems I have to fight harder against what our enemy would like to use against us. Prayer IS the battle! Praying for you, friend! xoxo
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That is so sweet, Valerie, that you would have left a note on my door. It moves me to tears. I’m finding there are so many online kindred spirits who truly care. Thank you for reminding me that it’s when we’re on the brink of a breakthrough, our enemy fights harder against us and we can’t give up the battle. Thank you for your prayers. They mean so much. May Jesus give you strength in the midst of the battle day by day! Hugs!
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Thank you so much for writing anyway… even when the temptation was to not say a word! I think many people give in to staying silent and feeling alone, but when someone speaks up and is vulnerable and real, it opens the door for others to see that they are not alone. I am praying for you, Trudy. I am so sorry for the battle you are fighting and for all of the wounds the church has inflicted. I agree with the others… trust your heart… give yourself grace. Lean in to Jesus… that doesn’t have to be done in the confined walls of a church building – in fact, it really never was supposed to be there and there alone anyway! Meet Him wherever you are because He is there. He is so for you and loving you right now… drawing you closer. I pray that you feel His presence and His loving arms around you, holding you up. God has been speaking to me lately about how Peace is a weapon. I know… it sounds mixed up – but He came to give us peace and He left us with His Peace… praying some of that pours out and fills you up as well! Blessings!
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Your kindness and prayers overwhelm me, Karrileea. Thank you so much! Your words speak comfort to my heart. Very interesting thought to reflect on – Peace as a weapon. Makes sense. Jesus is our Peace! May God bless you and keep you! Hugs!
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Trudy, I am so sorry for the pain you’ve endured and for the depression you’re experiencing. I pray that you continue to see God’s character revealed in His creation. I also pray that you may find a small group of Christians to fellowship with, where you’ll feel safe.
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Thank you so much for caring, Constance. I love how you word that – “to see God’s character revealed in His creation.” Through one of the churches we tried many years ago until something happened, I learned of a non-denominational Women’s Bible Study. It’s only during the school year, and I can’t always make it due to health limitations, especially in the winter months, but I have met some wonderful women there. In fact, it was at this Bible Study that I first found a Christian group who would believe me and support me. So thank you for bringing this blessing to my remembrance. Whereas going into a church does not feel safe, these women have created a safe place for any woman. It’s such a blessing. I only wish I could go more and it was all year long. God be with you and keep you day by day! Hugs!
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this is beautiful, Trudy. I’m going to spotlight an excerpt from your post. keep sharing and writing, just where you are. it’s soul beautiful and you can know you are loved by God -through kindreds like us.
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Thank you, Bonnie! It’s so good to “see” you here. I have learned a lot from you when it comes to writing “real.” Thank you for your encouragement to keep sharing and writing just where I am. Yes, I am especially feeling this week how much I am loved by God through kindreds like you all. May Jesus give you sufficient strength for each day and heal you ever more deeply! Hugs!
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Trudy,
Thank you for being brave and writing …I hope/pray it was healing in some measure…praying God will continue to speak words of comfort to you and let you know that He is with you and He will not abandon you…((hugs))
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Thank you so much for your encouragement and prayers, Dolly. God slowly comforted me as I answered His nudge to write anyway. He provides further comfort and healing as unexpected prayers and support are given, including from you. I am awed and humbled at the goodness of God and the caring from an online community. No, He won’t abandon us, even when it feels like it from our side sometimes. I am awed by His faithfulness. God be with you and give you peace and strength through this journey! Hugs!
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