Write. Sigh. Delete. Sigh. Repeat… What shall I write, God? My heart feels in such a complaining mood, and I don’t want to write about that… I want to write of Your never-failing love, but my soul feels so blah and void of the joy there is in You.
Last week was extra tough. I was just getting more on top of another bad bout of bronchitis and an exacerbation of sarcoidosis, a lung disease I have. I was walking from the garage into the house when something snapped in my calf and threw me to the floor in pain. It ended up to be a torn Achilles tendon. Weird. I wasn’t even running a marathon or sliding into a base. Just walking. But the orthopedic doctor says it may very well have been caused by the antibiotic I was taking, Levaquin, which affects a small percentage of people who take it.
So I spent last week elevating and icing my heel and leg. Pain, weakness, and extreme fatigue. Trying to accept an awkward boot that unbalanced me. But those struggles were not the worse. What troubled me more is the rebellion I felt. The doubt and discouragement that washed me away from Jesus. Those violent waves that pulled me under and turned me as a crocodile does its prey. Depression wanting to give up and succumb to its darkness. Feeling like Jesus really shouldn’t rescue me. Yet straining to see Jesus’ hand reaching for me and pulling me up again. Up to His safe ship of unending love, faithfulness, and grace. Without Him I could not breathe. I had nobody else to turn to. To rescue me from the strangling hold of depression.
“Simon Peter answered, “Lord, to whom shall we go?
You [alone] have the words of eternal life
[You are our only hope].”
John 6:68 AMP
It grieves me when I doubt God and His ways. When I fail to trust Him as a God Who will always be with me no matter what and Who always has a perfect plan. Sometimes I read of people who have such great faith that they can praise God even in the midst of adversity. They go through deep pain and losses and yet they rejoice in God and His goodness. Quietly resting in His will with an adoring gaze towards their Rescuer. And I have to cry out, “O God, I am so sorry. I really don’t want to feel sorry for myself. I want to look unto You as the Savior Who has given His very life for me. It’s not about me, Lord, it’s about You and Your glory. Please, please let me be more content in my life and help me to grasp the joy that is in You. Please give me a childlike trust in You, a devotion so strong that I will still look adoringly at You even when the stormy waves pull me under. Please help me to focus more on Your precious love and goodness towards me than on the problems in this earthly life. Help me to fix my eyes on the glory You are bringing me towards.”
God has again proved to be a faithful Promise-Keeper. My ever-present Helper in times of trouble. My Rescuer from the storms that ravage my soul. The unconditional Love-giver. The always-there-for-me God even when I can’t see or feel Him. The devoted, patient, forgiving Father of His strong-willed, rebellious, wanting-her-own-way child.
He is yours, too, my dear friends. It’s so hard sometimes to grasp it with the hand of faith, especially during ravaging soul storms. But He is for us, not against us. He has not promised flower-strewn pathways all our lives through, but He has promised to never abandon us in depression’s dark valleys. He will pull us through no matter what. At the time we may despair and just want to let the depths swallow us up, but He is the Lifeguard of our souls. He will rescue us at the right time and in the right way. Again and again. No one, not even the wily, deceitful, lion-roaring Satan can take us out of His hands. God has us and He won’t let go. Never, never, never!
“I give them eternal life, and they will never perish.
No one can snatch them away from Me,
for my Father has given them to Me,
and He is more powerful than anyone else.
No one can snatch them from the Father’s hand.”
John 10:28-29 NLT
“Praise You In This Storm”
by Casting Crowns
“I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.”
Dearest Lord Jesus, You are still there
when depression sinks us into darkness.
Help us to trust You will never
let it snatch us out of Your hands.
Linking up with:
Holley – Coffee For Your Heart
Jennifer – Tell His Story
Kelly – Cheerleaders of Faith
Barbie – Weekend Whispers