Have you ever felt like you were in a deep pit with all the walls caving in around you? Helpless and hopeless? Do you feel utterly alone? Like no one understands you? Like you cannot reach past the gloom and doom in your mind?
You are not alone. Depression can debilitate our thinking. No matter how hard we try, sometimes we just can’t push out the negative thoughts against ourselves and grasp on to positive thoughts. It’s not shameful to be depressed or to admit we need help, whether it’s through counseling or antidepressants.
Some months ago one judgmental remark from someone put me into a tailspin and brought me face to face with painful memories of past abuse. At first I disassociated from my feelings. I didn’t want to feel at all, because it hurt too much. I continued on in life like a robot. But I became more and more depressed until one day something inside me broke. I sobbed and cried, “I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so sick of being strong for everyone around me…”
It was like I was sinking deeper and deeper into a sea of turmoil, gulping up water. In my mind Jesus was standing above the surface looking down at me and shaking his head. “Hopeless case, that one…” I felt so forsaken of God. His promises seemed bogus, and I could not grasp a single one.
Looking back, I couldn’t have made it through that dark day without the help of loved ones. It wasn’t that I wanted to end my life, but I sure didn’t feel any purpose in living anymore.
The next day my husband suggested I take my writing pad and go to the Falls. He knew that nature often helps me get centered again on Who is in control. As I sat on a rock and watched the water rush over the red rock formations, I listened and let the sound sooth my weary soul. I felt the wind as the breath of God kissing my face and telling me I will make it through this. When I walked along the paths and around the Art Barn, I stopped. There in front of me written in chalk down the front of the steps was a message that still speaks to me today. “I will love you every step of the way. ♥”
God will love me every step of the way? “Even when it hurts, even when it’s hard, even when it all just falls apart…” (Steady My Heart by Kari Jobe) I was calmed, but my heart didn’t want to let it sink in. I have trust issues, and sadly, even towards God. I couldn’t understand why God would even bother with someone like me.
God has been gracious to again pull me up to move on. No, this didn’t happen overnight. Storms of emotions whipped me around and tossed me upside down, but God has blessed the means. Through counseling, an antidepressant, and the support of loved ones, I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can continue to move on towards the light of God’s love and grace, believing that He delights to be with each of us every step of the way.
During this difficult time, my writing was at a standstill. Every time I even thought of it, a tremendous pressure exploded in my mind. I was confused as to what God really wants me to do. But now I am slowly able to journal more and to write here at my blog again. I still believe I need to write “to bind up the brokenhearted” and “to free the captives.” But my direction has changed. I no longer put pressure on myself to write for publication in magazines or a book. My desire is to focus on hope, healing, and freedom for hurting souls.
My past blog posts are still here, but I have changed the name from Trudy Den Hoed: Freelance Writing to Freed to Fly: Hope, Healing, and Freedom for Hurting Souls. I hope to write or share inspirational thoughts and resources with the prayer that God will free many from the shackles of insecurity, shame, abuse, and other roadblocks to living freely and fully in the grace and love of Jesus Who hurts when we hurt.
♥ May each and every one of us be freed to fly! ♥
Please feel free to share thoughts and resources, because we can learn so much from each other.